After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
