I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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