I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
