Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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