I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
