I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
