I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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