Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize