i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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