I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
