You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
