You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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