i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
