The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize