Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
