He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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