You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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