He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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