the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
