I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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