Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
