I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
