i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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