I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
