I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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