Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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