I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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