At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
