Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
