Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
not ubering you a puppy
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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