Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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