My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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