We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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