He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
