you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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