did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize