how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
