do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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