whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
