Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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