remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
