He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
