yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
