For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
