New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
