Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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