you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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