5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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