I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
