Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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