Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
