Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
