You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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