We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
