It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
