Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
did i walk over a car last night?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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