youre lurking in front of me
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
