Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
