he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
