I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize